Global Pairings, Rethinking America

Trump to Germany: Pay Up!

The U.S. President reflects on why Germans must be made to pay for all the wrongs they inflicted on the United States.

Credit: Joseph Sohm Shutterstock.com

Takeaways


  • Germany does not like walls, just like the Democrats.
  • Germans should be required to buy one Hummer for every Audi, BMW or Mercedes they sell here. Reciprocity!

I extended a very warm welcome to Chancellor Merkel in the White House. And how does she respond? She invites Ivanka to Berlin, and manages to have my daughter booed at and hissed at during the meeting. Sad.

Now is the time to get serious: Let’s move the Carl Vinson out of the Sea of Japan, or wherever she is, and have her sail towards the Baltic Sea, to send a strong message and remind Germany of the debt it owes the USA over the many years of our existence.

It was the Germans all along

Wars! And not even mentioning in the Twentieth Century, but the War of Independence. Contrary to what fake history books would want you to believe, most of the so-called British troops were in reality German or, more specifically, Hessian mercenaries, on loan from their princes or whatever.

Truth is, the United States has never really been at war with the United Kingdom, our oldest friend and ally, but with Germany. And it was only the beginning of what has been a very fraught relationship over many years. But let us not dwell on history, but rather look at the present.

Germany has been very unkind to our Russian friends. They kicked them out almost thirty years ago, to the chagrin of my good friend Vladimir, who tells me he had a great time over there.

No surprise if after such mistreatment, Russia feels under threat from their neighbours and, yes, the invasion of Crimea and Ukraine is the result of the rudeness shown at the time by Germany.

Demolishing a perfectly good wall

Germany does not like walls, just like the Democrats. They had a beautiful wall, a great source of inspiration for artists and painters. And they foolishly followed the advice given by Ronald Reagan, a much over-rated
President by the way. “Take down that wall…” Almost a personal insult.

Germany is also the leader in the so-called fight against the fake news climate change, trying to replace my beloved coal with renewable – wind and solar. And if they can get away with it in Bavaria, think of what solar panels could do in Florida or Arizona!

Berlin people went out in droves to give a hero’s welcome to candidate Obama in 2008. Would love to go out there and draw bigger crowds.

But the idiots at the State Department tell me the crowds would be bigger, but made only of protesters. And I can’t even bring my Bikers for Trump for my security. Bad!

Hummers for Germany!

Germany has a huge trade surplus with us. Sells way too many cars. There needs to be reciprocity. OK, people tell me that BMW exports more cars to Europe out of Spartanburg, South Carolina, than any American manufacturer.

That’s not enough. Germans should be required to buy one Hummer for every Audi, BMW or Mercedes they sell here. Reciprocity!

I was going to forget: Germany refused to go to war in Iraq, just like me, or not, I don’t remember, but that’s not a reason. That was desertion, period.

And last, but not least, they don’t have a Trump hotel, or golf course for that matter. Shame on them!

Trump Hotel: Berchtesgaden?

I will tweet in the morning the amount of reparations I will ask to compensate for the carnage Germany inflicted upon us. Had this strange dream, where I got an official memorandum from the German Auswärtiges Amt (Federal Foreign Office):

Mr President,

While taking note of your complaints, we would like to draw to your attention a little known fact, which we think forever makes your country indebted to Germany.

Our country sent Herr Drumpf to America’s shores, your ancestor and founder of the most glorious dynasty in the history of your country, and maybe the world.

As far as Trump hotels are concerned, the German government would be ready to look at spaces in the Berchtesgaden area, the landscape and history of which should be of particular interest to you.

Wonder what that means. Will ask Steve.

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About Jean-Francois Boittin

Jean-Francois Boittin is a former French diplomat and Treasury official.

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