Global Pairings, Rethinking America

Bye Bye G7… Hello to The Seven Bastards

Donald Trump’s musings upon leaving Sicily after the G7 summit.

Credit: Gage Skidmore www.flickr.com

Takeaways


  • Trump to himself: "The G-thing makes me sick. High time to think of a new format. I’ll invite myself real men next time."
  • Trump: "I sit in the Oval Office, and political correctness is over and done with."
  • Nobody does the "my country as my fiefdom" better than Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe does.

Here is a preview of the 43rd G7 Summit, to be held on May 26–27, 2017 in Taormina, Sicily, Italy:

“I knew it, I wanted to say no, I should have. I totally wasted another weekend. Was not even able to play golf. None of these people play golf anyway, except for Abe. Plays poorly for sure, but at least he plays.

They probably don’t have golf courses in Sicily anyway. Of course, I could build one, but it wouldn’t have any customers. They don’t play golf in mafia movies.

Tiresome women and male sissies

Anyway, what a crushing bore it was. Little Justin was there, as was Mother Theresa, all taken up by her Brexit stuff. Looks way more complicated than I thought.

I had to endure Frau Merkel and her tirades about free trade and renewables. Then there was this Italian guy whose name I can’t remember. I am sure his people can’t remember it either.

And the new French guy. He at least reminded me of Jared, my son in law. So that was a nice surprise.

Enter the manly bunch

But other than that, the whole G-thing makes me sick. High time to think of a new format. No more of these G7 quiche eaters. I’ll invite myself real men next time.

Xi Jinping, for one. And his wife is almost an 8 … Plus, both were really impressed by Mar-a-Lago, congratulated me on my good taste.

I wish the American media were bright and honest enough to understand this: Xi rules over more than a billion people. No problems to speak of since Tiananmen. Amazing how they do it.

The Chinese even manage to control the Internet. Remember that idiot Bill Clinton? He said that controlling the Internet in China would be like nailing Jell-O to the wall. Hello! They have done it. Their wall works. Wish I could do the same.

Swift justice guys needed

Another mucho macho guy to my liking who just gets things done is Duterte. The guy in the Philippines who just with drug dealers in a very straightforward manner.

He’s a really good guy. Just like me: He could stand up in the middle of the avenue in… well, whatever the name of their capital is and shoot someone dead, and nobody would care.

Might have done it already. Plus, we agree completely on Barack Obama.

Wish I could use the same words. Maybe in my next tweet…And his country has a big problem with drugs too. Might help with some good advice about dealing with all these crackpots.

Erdogan should be there too. He’s no sissy — he’s my kind of man. His referendum: brilliant, although obviously not as big as my victory in the electoral college, but still.

I also admire how he used that botched military coup to his own advantage. Decisive action to silence all those worthless rabble-rousers. Just look at the judges: 2,400 of them arrested, and jailed, including two members of the Supreme Court.

Too bad Flynn is not around anymore. I need to find myself another guy who could plot a little fake coup. I would get rid of little Ruth, and the whole 9th circuit.

Having a good man to run the FBI should help me too. I mean, the guy in that post should run my clandestine offense, not force me into defense. Unbelievable, who that comical Comey thought he was.

Vlad, the Impaler

No question that my good friend Vladimir is another shoe-in in that revitalized G7 group. He’s a good actor too: He looked really upset after my little Syria caper, although of course he had been informed and had all the time in the world to get his folks out of harm’s way. Great talent.

Will give us a chance to spend time one-on-one, even if those idiots in Congress go on with their inquiries. Russia is in really good hands. Opponents are locked in. And the media Mr. P’s megaphone! No fake news there: Just the right mix. I wish…

We’ll need some geographic diversity. Europe? I wish Marine… Well, for sure next time. How about that Hungarian guy? It’s a tiny country, but he does have the guts to go after those Brussels nincompoops.

I love how he is going after Soros, the Clintons’ friend. And I love their “border hunters” and the way they put the so-called “refugees” in shipping containers. No sanctuary cities in Hungary.

Who else? We need some real spice. All these PC idiots will scream bloody murder again, but who cares? I sit in the Oval Office, and political correctness is over and done with.

Some real fighters

I need a powerful symbol in the fight against ISIS. Yes, I mean Assad. He may look like a sissy, but at least he’s smart enough to understand that my cruise missiles were merely a tweet. Very little damage also.

Or why not little Kim, the smart cookie? Dennis Rodman always seemed to have fun with him.

Well, I have ample time to make my picks. Plus, we can always add to the group on the fly: Maduro, that guy in Venezuela, looks like a bull, but seems a bit weak in the knees of late. But at least he stands up to those bougie leftists that want to end one-man rule. Too bad about Chavez.

But what about Mugabe, the grandfather of us all? That’s my kind of Obama, if you know what I mean. Plus, nobody does the “my country as my fiefdom” better than he does. He would bring a lot of experience to the art of holding the reins real tight.

Marketing is always key. So, it’s bye bye quiche eaters! How about: “Hello, Hateful Seven?” Or Wild Bunch? How about: “The Seven Bastards?”

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About Jean-Francois Boittin

Jean-Francois Boittin is a former French diplomat and Treasury official.

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