First Meeting Between Trump and Putin
The scene takes place in Vladimir Putin’ s office in the Kremlin.
December 18, 2016
President Trump arrives, slightly out of breath. Putin made sure that he walked multiple times over the same corridors of the Kremlin, passing by the cute-looking, straight out of the Nutcracker uniformed guards (Donald
Trump, to himself : Make a mental note. This is classy!) Need to change these ridiculous uniforms at the White House.
DT: Good afternoon, Mr. President!
VP: No, no. Call me Vladimir, or Vlad. (with a sly smile) Like Vlad the Impaler…
DT: (puzzled look)…
VP: No, well, it’s a joke. Your staff will explain later. So, what do you think of my little Kremlin?
DT: Wow, it’s, what can I say, huge. And all this gold, these uniforms. Not at all like my White House.
VP: I know. No offense, but the White House is a rather crummy place.
DT: Exactly what I think, although I can’t say so in public. You know, the New York Times…I way prefer staying in my Tower in New York.
VP: So would I, so would I. It is easier for me to listen to your conversations there. (sly smile again) Just joking. So, what can I do for you?
DT: First, let me thank you for what you did to help Wikileaks and so on. I was going to win anyway, big time, like I did, but I do appreciate what you did back then.
VP: No, no. Don’t even thank me. Just a little help from your friend, as the song goes. Truth is, I could not stand her, never could…I can already imagine her lectures about human rights and all that b.s. Can’t stand women in politics. The other one, Frau Merkel, a real pain too.
DT: And her looks. A 1 or 2, at best.
VP: You are the expert. But seriously, look, do you see any woman in my government? Well, small stuff maybe, such as education or health. But as a rule, I say: keep them in the kitchen.
DT: Yes, and in bed.
VP: May be. What were we talking about?
DT: Well, you know, I guess we have to talk about foreign policy stuff, not that I care that much, but that’s what my folks want me to talk about. But first, I wonder: you have been a huge success in your country, a really strong leader, huge support, over all those years. OK, you don’t have that stupid two term limit…I hope we can change that too. But, what is the secret, the recipe for that huge success of yours?
VP: Not hard really. What you need is control. Control the opposition, control the media.
DT: It’s easier said than done.
VP: One word: fear.
DT: (questioning and interested look)
VP: For example, the opposition. Look at what I did with Mikhail Khodorkovsky.
DT: Michael Korduroy?
VP: No. Khodorkovsky. Never mind. A f**** billionaire, Ha, well, no offense…
DT: No, no, of course…Plus, between you and me, I am not a…
VP: I know. The jerk wanted to challenge me. Spent ten years in Siberia, like in the good old days. Great way to cool temperaments. So, put her in jail. Yes, lock her up. That will chill down all your opponents, those demo…dem…Sorry, can’t say the word. Not part of my vocabulary.
DT: But the press, the media?
VP: Same. Fear!
DT: That’s so difficult. Like, every morning, I look at the New York Times, and they are after me.
VP: That’s because you do it the wrong way. I have been following you from afar. For starters, don’t tweet!
DT: They all tell me that. But I have been so successful tweeting…
VP: DON’T TWEET. As I say: birds tweet, bears kill.
VP: Look at Anna Politkovskaya, gunned down in her hallway. Concentrates the minds of all the other nitpickers. Think about it for a minute: Gail Collins shot in front of her home. Or Frank Bruni dying of cancer like that idiot Alexander Litvinenko (another sly smile). A little plutonium cocktail. I must have a few vials left. And my former colleagues can help, in New York or Washington.
DT: (taken aback)
VP: No hurry. Think about it. For you, the door will always be open.
DT: So, about foreign policy (sigh).
DT: Syria first. You know, ISIS. I have a plan. I think you and I could really do great things together, like we bomb ISIS and get rid of them. Like, I could help with what you are already doing now. Great success, I am told.
VP: (short silence) I …(pause) I don’t want you to make any mistake here. I am not really that much interested in going after ISIS. I am there, number one, to show that Russia is great again, don’t need any red caps for that, thank you, and number two, to help that little idiot Assad destroy his opposition.
I hate oppositions, as a matter of principle. But ISIS, I would say, has some plusses, like making life more complicated for the ayatollahs, or scaring the s… out of the Europeans, that bunch of sissies. Talking about Europe, you and I could have a little Yalta.
DT: (look of bewilderment) Yal…?
VP: I should have remembered. You Americans don’t know much about history. Do you read books?
DT: Never had the time. Too busy: business and golf, you know.
VP: You really should. But OK, Yalta was the place, in Crimea, you see, always was ours really, anyway the place where the real winner of the Second World War, the great Joseph Stalin, my role model –except for that ridiculous mustache- , your cripple, Roosevelt and the drunkard, Churchill, got together to basically map out the world, and choose their colonies.
DT: I see. Great idea. We could get together with the Chinese guy, the three of us, in my Tower in New York.
VP: No, no. I don’t like New York that much. Too cosmopolitan. All those black people on the streets. And let’s not bring the chink in. The guy is getting richer and richer, and also getting way ahead of himself. No, we should have a little informal Yalta, could even do that right here (gestures to an aide, who brings a map).See, it’s a map of Europe.
DT: But there are no names…
VP: Can’t you recognize the countries?
DT: (victorious smile) Here is Great Britain.
VP: OK. And these three little dots, in the corner?
DT: Let me think, I do not believe I have a hotel there.
VP: Baltic countries! Can you give me their names?
VP: See. I am right. And here is Ukraine. It really is Russian, always was. These “countries” only exist because we wanted more votes in the UN. Dumb, really. I mean, Kiev used to be the capital of Russia, for God’s sake.
VP: Of course. It’s part of our history. (suddenly animated) It is ours. It is MINE!
DT: Yes, but if I go back to Washington and tell people that I gave you Ukraine, that little cripple McCain, you know, the one who boasts about the years he spent in Vietnamese jails, will scream bloody murder.
VP: Well, let me have Ukraine and the Baltic so called “states,” my provinces really, and take Canada.
VP: I don’t even understand why your predecessors have not done that long ago. No physical obstacles. No border to speak of. Same language.
DT: (victorious smile) But for Quebec! French speaking.
VP: I say: f… the French!
DT: I love that. F… the French!
VP: Anyway, don’t tell me that you are afraid of the Mounties. Like you can take Canada in two or three days. And think of the oil, and the gas, and the water. Just leave me the Arctic.
DT: Good. Why not? Let me talk to my people. What else?
VP: I don’t know…We are on the same page on climate, I believe.
DT: F… the climate!
VP: Right. F… the climate! Could do with warmer winters in Moscow anyway. Maybe a last little bit of advice, if you don’t mind. Going back to my experience in Germany, twenty five years ago, but sometimes feels like yesterday. Almost like a nightmare. Not that I have nightmares. Ever.
Anyway, don’t build a wall. We thought it was such a great idea, asking the German comrades to build that wall against the fascists, as it was called back then. Dumb idea.
Just gave the backdrop for your predecessor to make that stupid speech: “Mr. Gorbachev (another sissy by the way), tear down that wall!” And then the wall falls down. You know, they always have crumbled, throughout history, and that wall thing with Mexico will then make you look like an idiot. Guns, not walls! And remember: fear!
DT: I will. Thank you!