The Year When Donald Trump Wins Every Nobel Prize, in Every Category

STOCKHOLM/OSLO, December 10, 20XX — In a two-city ceremony that was as surreal as it was subdued, the Nobel Committee today awarded every single Nobel Prize — literature, physics, chemistry, economics, medicine and peace — to Donald J. Trump.

The occasion, held in the hushed grandeur of the Stockholm Concert Hall and broadcast live from Oslo, unfolded with quiet solemnity. The orchestra played discreetly. The champagne was warm. The committee stood tall — tired but resolved. After all, history had been made. Or undone.

Call it a raid. Or a full sweep

Call it a raid. Or a full sweep. Either way, the event turned into the greatest slam in the annals of human intellect.

The audience rose in a standing ovation, though reactions were far from unified. Some wept. Others quietly excused themselves to vomit.

Donald Trump approached the stage slowly, eyes locked on the ceiling as if receiving divine applause. His face bore the serene confidence of a man who believed heaven itself was clapping.

The Nobel Prize for Literature came first

Trump won for “Truth Isn’t Truth: The Art of Saying Things Loudly” — a thousand-page opus dictated from a golf cart, entirely in capital letters, with random spelling and a conspicuous absence of punctuation.

The Academy called it “the prose of chaos,” praising its rejection of style as a new style itself. “Post-truth literature,” the citation read. “Shakespeare, swept away. Orwell, overwhelmed. Even Bukowski would not dare speak again.”

Then came the Nobel Prize for Physics

This prize was awarded not for a discovery, but for the physics of defiance. At his 2017 inauguration, Trump declared his crowd the largest ever seen — despite photos, witnesses and facts.

A physicist from MIT, tearfully accepting the implications, commented: “Trump doesn’t bend space. He denies it.” The universe, it seems, is now uncertain. Particles hesitate. Newton is reportedly spinning in his grave.

The Nobel Prize for Chemistry followed

Here, Trump was recognized for his contribution to the climate crisis. The exit from the Paris Agreement. The praise for coal. The casual release of greenhouse gases during press briefings.

“He transformed scientific consensus into an opinion poll,” noted one researcher and added: “This isn’t chemistry — it’s alchemy. He turned the gold of science into ideological lead.”

Next: The Nobel Prize for Medicine

This prize was awarded for his unconventional pandemic strategy. Sunlight on the body. Disinfectant injections. Live experiments with hydroxychloroquine.

“What’s the point of modern medicine anymore?” asked a physician at Johns Hopkins University. “He said more in a month than we have said in a century.” The real life result was that hospital visits globally declined — out of fear of enduring another presidential briefing.

Too easy: The Nobel Prize in Economics

This was awarded for redefining the fundamentals of value, record debt, growth measured in tweets and stock markets driven by guesswork. Trump applied the logic of the casino to capitalism — the more absurd, the more profitable.

Trump’s greatest innovation was obviously indexing the dollar to his mood. Trump Angry? The Nasdaq climbs. Trump in a good mood? Oil prices fall. Trump hungry? Recession. The IMF has abdicated. Wall Street has converted to astrology.

It was on the issue of tariffs though that he really shone. A revolutionary strategy: Tax your allies, flatter your rivals, confuse the trade balance with the bank balance. The result: Economists stopped explaining. They started meditating.

His masterpiece remains “Trumponomics” — cutting taxes on the rich to enrich the poor by osmosis. A theory validated by three influencers, a TV shopping magnate and a golden retriever named Milton.

The jury praised “disruptive thinking taken to the point of absurdity,” “a genius of permanent deficit” and “the only person capable of lowering the price of common sense.”

In Oslo, there is already talk of renaming the prize to the Nobel Prize for Debt.

Finally, the grand prize Trump was after: The Nobel Peace Prize

Trump was honored not for negotiation, but for saturation. He threatened North Korea, Iran, judges, journalists and the UN — only to fall asleep mid-rant.

The result? Paralysis. “He created such constant tension,” said one military strategist, “that no one dared to fire a shot. We didn’t know where to strike. So we didn’t.” It was diplomacy by exhaustion. Chaos as deterrence.

Then Trump spoke. Only for ten minutes. But 43 uses of the word “fantastic.” Twelve “tremendous.” A jab at Einstein. A wink at Jesus. He concluded, “No one has ever deserved all these awards more than me. Maybe God. And even then, it’s close.”

The hall erupted in reluctant applause. The Nobel Committee, visibly drained, made one final announcement: There would be no more prizes next year. Nor the year after.

History had witnessed its strangest honor roll. We are not just witnessing the twilight of reason, but the closing of the Age of Achievement.