Capo Trump’s Farewell to the American People
A preview copy of the failed Republican Presidential candidate’s November 9, 2016 speech, from the pages of Vanity Affairs magazine.
August 4, 2016
Editor’s note, November 9, 2016: The following feature was published as a work of speculative fiction prior to the actual election of Donald Trump.
Donald Trump, the iconic Republican candidate of his era, bid farewell last night to his followers. In a moving speech at the Alamo, Mr. Trump – famously known as the Donald, the Capo to tens of millions – reflected on his failed 2016 presidential campaign.
He offered candid words about the cause of his departure from the global political stage: “The American people have failed me. Who would have ever thought that they would be dim-witted enough to vote for Awful H. as President?”
I deserved a better people
Trump continued: “She’s more than incompetent – I mean, she’s a woman. What has become of the moral fiber of the American people? It positively feels as if our entire nation has already become Mexicanized. Yes, our noble national soul has been raped by those dirty people from down South.
Trump also stressed “My only ambition had been to serve the Volk and to deliver my special version of the American Dream to every family – come on, you know how to spell the “3 P’s”: petulance, prejudice and perpetual adolescence.”
The disappointment in Trump’s voice was almost palpable when his thoughts turned to the struggle for America’s rightful place under the sun. “My goal was noble, the dedication of my true believers inspiring.”
We’re all Mexicanized
He went on, “we may have come up short, despite our great sacrifices and heroic effort, and for that I’m deeply regretful. But in the end, it is much better this way. A people that votes for Hillary Clinton in a fraudulent election that we couldn’t stop is better off without me as their leader. In fact, such a nation doesn’t deserve me as a leader.”
As for his future plans, Mr. Trump was somewhat vague, saying only that he and his latest partner, Melania (whom he affectionately calls “my Slav sensation,”) had a number of options and would be deciding shortly about the next stage of life together.
Highly placed sources, speaking off the record, indicate that a 75,000 sq ft villa on the 18th fairway of the Asuncion Golf Association was one possibility.
The Capo owns it – indeed, it is the six-pointed gold star of his course galaxy. The villa could allow for an easy segue into retirement.
Mr. Trump also has a book contract in the works. Its tentative title? “F… You, America. You’re Doomed.”
With the words “That’s the real deal,” he rode off into the sunset, with his orange-y hairdo stunningly even outshining the radiance of the setting Texas sun.
“Who would have thought that they would be dim-witted enough to vote for Terrible H. as President?”
Trump’s special version of the American Dream: petulance, prejudice and perpetual adolescence.
“A people that votes for Hillary Clinton in a fraudulent election doesn’t deserve me as a leader.”
Mr. Trump has a book contract in the works. Its tentative title? “Fuck You, America. You’re Doomed.”
Michael J. Brenner
Professor Emeritus of International Affairs, University of Pittsburgh [Texas, United States] Michael Brenner is Professor Emeritus of International Affairs at the University of Pittsburgh and a Fellow of the Center for Transatlantic Relations at SAIS/Johns Hopkins. He was the Director of the International Relations & Global Studies Program at the University of Texas. Brenner is […]